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In rememberence…

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Originally written on 7/16/12…

Authors note: Just a forewarning, this is a bit of a grim post. It has some good things in it, but I don’t think I’d recommend it for children or those of the faint of heart. 

I just watched my wife’s grandmother pass away. 

It was an odd experience, and certainly not the first, and I’m sure, not the last time I will be witness to such an event.

I didn’t realize how much it affected me. But as I sat at the bedside, I watched my mother-in-law and the aide do post mortem care on a woman I had helped care for during the last few months. “Mama G.G.,” as we called her, had her ups and downs. She had cancer which had metastasized to the bone, and was on home hospice care. Mama G.G. chose to stay with us for her final days. And through it all, she was grateful. One of the sweetest things she told us was that she had wished “I had come live with ya’ll sooner.” You couldn’t ask for a better compliment than that.

Mama G.G. passed away right after her bath today. My mother-in-law was anointing her with some oils. I was in the kitchen when she came to me and said I needed to “come quick.” I rushed to her room and watched as Mama G.G. took her final breath. Afterwards, I sat on a couch at the bedside, cross-legged. My mother-in-law and the aide finished bathing Mama G.G. All the while, I felt a growing sadness well up inside of me. A similar thing happened about five years ago, only it involved my mom’s mother and it was the two of us performing post mortem care before the rest of the family arrived.

I remember wondering how in the world my mother was able to do such a thing. Tears blotted my vision as I cleaned my grandmother’s body and put a fresh gown on her. Never in all my years did I think I would be in such a situation. Yet there I was. I couldn’t even imagine how my mother felt.

It gives me strength knowing that my loved ones are in a better place. I can say that with more than the certainty of faith. I know there’s a life in the hereafter. I lived most of my live in fear of the things I saw. As a clinician, the possibilities of mental illness or “seeing things” definitely came to mind. But I know what I know. Fundamental Atheists may scoff, while by-the-book Christians may say things just as hurtful. But I know what I know. I know what I see.

So I know Mama G.G. is okay.

It saddens me to know that part of my path involves walking alongside of death. It’s not something to be afraid of. We’ll all take that final journey one day. But the act of it, the suffering, that’s what weighs upon me. And when it’s ones you love, seeing that suffering is that much harder.

As I sat and watched Mama G.G’s final moments, it dawned on me that it is time for a change. While you can’t run away from it entirely, I feel as if I’ve paid my dues. I’ve learned enough and seen enough to know that I can walk through the darkness and endure. The light of my life, my wife, my family, and God are what help me come through.

Each moment is a blessing, so embrace it. Relish the breeze when it caresses your face. Feel the light of the sun.

Smile, my friend, and remember, you are not alone.

-ty

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